Politicians: Compare Prices, Specs

Compare prices for the best politicians on the market. Politician specs, character, and prices (all prices negotiable). Want to buy a politician? Start comparing them here…

(…POLITUSIC has compared prices and designs of everything from guitars to cars, so it’s about time we do the same with the prices of politicians in the 2014 election…)

First time in the politician market? Start here by comparing the different models, prices, and aftermarket options. We’ll cover all politician models from the new gas guzzling, Tea Party fast and furious models, to the slowest towncar-man ever to come from the great state of Kentucky. Top to bottom, when you combine the money raised for the 2014 election thus far by all candidates we have: $564,000,000. Say it out loud, “five hundred and sixty four million dollars”. How much good has that done for the average citizens of this country? This is a mid-term election, no less… and we have 5 months until the general election during which time even more will be raised, donated, and super PAC’d.

Money Raised by Politicians in the House for 2014

John Boehner, Republican Speaker of the House comes in as number one by a big margin. A massive margin, actually. The Speaker is followed by four other republicans before we find a democrat. Of course, one cannot look at these totals and not make a very clear connection: he who raises the most money holds the power. The top fundraisers in Congress are all in leadership (or were, sorry Eric). Top fundraisers in the House of Representatives by the numbers:

1. John Boehner (R, Ohio, Speaker of the House): $12,857,735 Likes large gavels, the number 7, and crying in public. Bad manager, but holds the line and drives steady. Predictable. Buying this model keeps the establishment (the super wealthy) in control of the GOP, which in turn keeps the Tea Party at bay. Mostly. This model comes with a new paint touch up once a month to help maintain its deep color luster.

2. Eric Cantor (R, Virginia, former Majority Leader): $5,447,290. Lot of good that did him. The perfect country gentleman who tried to be Tea Party and establishment at the same time. It sounds like a muscle car, but only has 4 cylinders under the hood. The XL model has a built-in freezer for storing left-over steaks.

3. Paul Ryan (R, alleged budget guru, VP loser): $5,327,092. Likes working out and being a Young Gun. This is the popular mid-life crisis model that seeks meaning and importance by positioning himself in niches no one else in Congress wants. While this particular model has been well behaved, you have to be careful about models in the similar class because they tend to show up on Twitter in embarrassing situations.

4. Curt Clawson (R, Florida): $3,988,150.  No idea who he is. Special election and backed by the Tea Party. Curt won, so… “Great, more raging children in Congress.” His model yells at people, stops busses, and scares small children. The model likes to think it’s a full sized monster truck, but its power and behavior drive more like a remote control car.

5. Kevin McCarthy (R, California, new majority leader): $3,574,380. Advocates taking funding away from early education. All education, really. Kevin is no fan of teaching our children well. With his model you get the worst of Bakersfield wrapped in an shiny suit – a well polished and gleaming dune buggy. McCarthy is a late night Jack in the Box Munchie meal: it sounds good at the time, but you deeply regret it once you start to digest all the ingredients.

6. Alex Sink (D, Florida): $3,236,821. No idea who she is. Another special election (those are popular in FL). She lost, and I guess had a chance to still run in the general, but dropped out of the race… money well spent. Like bad fireworks. Buy her model and you enjoy being part of a small club with energy and hope, but end up just hanging out at the same house every weekend with pizza and a movie telling one another that you prefer it that way.

The moral is: you either have to be in leadership, or in a Florida special election to be a top fundraiser in Congress. With Republicans rounding out the top 5 money raisers, one would think that a republican lead House of Representatives would be able to get more done. All that money has bought the contributors to House elections? Nothing, really. It has created a lot of very good political theatre in the House, but all that money bought inaction. Maybe that’s what the the campaign donors really wanted.

Money Raised by Politicians in the Senate (full term)

This is where the numbers start to get scary. The leader, however, comes from the world of large men in tight outfits throwing chairs at one another – more like politics overseas. Most of her campaign money was self-funded. Linda McMahon spent over $100,000,000 in 2010 and 2012… and lost both times. All the stories now are labeling her a political mega donor rather than running for Senate yet again. Fool me once, run again. Fool me twice, OK, I’ll just give my money to other people who will do what I want them to. The turtle of the Senate does not appear in the top six list for the entire senate term, but he does sit on top of the list of Senate candidates with money from PACs (McConnell received a nice $2,464,139 in PAC spending. If you look at only the current election cycle, then good ‘ole Mitch does come in higher on the list at just under 12 million dollars.) The top politician prices in the Senate thus far (covering the entire 6-year Senate term cycle):

1. Linda McMahon (Connecticut, R): $50,533,659. WWE. I have no idea what you get with her model. For her complete specs see a combination of Tea Party Reagan-Love and Hulk Hogan infomercials. While the model itself is bare, this line does offer the largest number if itemized upgrades to both the interior and exterior.
2. Elizabeth Warren (Massachusetts, D): $44,462,345. Her model always means well, but its for idealists. If you like British sports cars and don’t mind that you never get anywhere because it’s always in the shop, then look into this option. It looks good, it sounds good, and excites a lot of people who come into contact with it. If you want to get anywhere, though, you need an American car. You need a gas guzzler and the EW model is more suited for an HOV lane with limited exits.
3. Kirsten Gillibrand (New York, D): $29,870,664. The a slightly more compact model of earlier blonde, female politicians (yeah, you know who I mean… she’s even from NY). Her specs show a lot of promise, but also had to undergo a lot of upgrades to make the drive from the House to the Senate. Those upgrades tend to cause some flip-flop-like shaking when traveling at high speeds. This politician model is a good long-term bet, though. Steady blue book price, but not ever a miraculous return on investment. If you’re willing to stick with the plan through at least one more election cycle consider this model.
4. David Dewhurst (Texas, R): $29,753,215.  He’s from Texas – that’s all you need to know. Well, you should also know that he lost (it was a 2012 election).
5. Marco Rubio (Florida, R): $29,153,653. Likes bottled water. The Jack of the Florida beanstalk. This model is particularly good if you enjoy politicians who are able to speak for hours on end, but never actually say anything of substance. At the time it feels like he’s saying something, but after it’s over you feel cheated like not getting to first base after a second date.
6. Sherrod Brown (Ohio, D): $24,404,889. Really happy that the RNC will be in Cleveland. This model has staying power so long as you don’t mind rough seat cushions. He’s also good if you like Canada. This model somehow has a distinct Canada feel. Not sure why.

See a politician model you like? Politicians don’t come cheap these days, but if you pool some money with your friends, then it’s not too hard to purchase one and have them drop by your house every now and again. No kidding. Only a couple thousand dollars all but guarantees a Congressperson will show up at your house. Granted, for a fundraise, but it still makes for a good photo and name drop. Oh, and this is really important: when comparing politicians always remember to diversify your investments. Unless it’s a Kennedy model, you have no idea how they’ll vote when in a pickle.