Sooner or later Don McLean would raise a glass to the decade-long Mitt Romney campaign, bow his head, and sing all fifty eight versus of one of the longest swan songs ever written: Republican Pie.
Bye bye… (Or is it “ba-bye” in this case?)
Before diving into the epic Republican Pie song, here’s the basic premise: Mitt Romney is serving as the final catalyst that will burn the current manifestation of the Republican Party. Why? Too many ingredients in the Republican Pie for it to taste good to the general public. Mitt Romney (as the baker) is far too eager to please the patrons, and as such, all of the volatile ingredients that make up the Republican Party since Bush 2.0 have been revealed in the Romney tap dance. This unveiling of the Republican Party ingredients will ultimately cause the Republican Pie to be thrown away in disgust – it’s already starting to happen. Now it’s up to the responsible members of the Republican Party to create a new recipe that’s a bit less offensive.
A long, long time ago I can still remember when Republicans and Democrats didn’t make me cry – at their partisan stupidity, pathetic struggle for power, money, and base baiting. Even in the times of Bush take three (second term of Bush V2), compared to what we see now, Washington was a pillar of dignity, honor, and bi-partisanship. But every song has a story, so how did America get to this point of roadblocking, birthers, and arguing over contraception with all male panels?
The Republican Party Ingredients
All was basically OK, sing-song along, but then 9/11 triggered the Bush doctrine, which in turn riled up the liberals, which in turn riled up the left-leaning cable news hosts, which in turn drove the right-leaning cable news hosts over the edge of legally-defined insanity. All because of four damn airplanes flown by a handful of assholes… if they were alive today, they would be overwhelmed by how successful that venture was to turn the culture of America and its politicians inside out. The country gathered together for a few months… but then Iraq happened… and happened… and happened. Then torture. Then you name what else happened (it’s a long song).
The Republican Party leaders (Bushies) were blessed by God to lead the country through a second term. Hell or high water (if not in New Orleans and not caused by global warming-type high water), God spoke: Bush must have a second term to drive the United States in its Chevy to the levy.
The good ‘ole boys were more than happy to help. Faith based initiatives, evangelical policy-making, and a whole underground movement on how women parts work succeeded in getting Bush a second term, so he could again Rove, ramble and amble his way to gutting religious freedom, budget surpluses and gentlemanly conduct in Washington. When things got tight, count on Rush and Glenn and Hannity to raise their fists of rage and convince the very people who Bush’s policies harmed the most to keep on cheering because Bush was strong, Bush was determined, and Bush was born again.
To get all the Bushness of a second term accomplished required a lot of slicing and dicing of ingredients that normally do not belong in the same party pie. This ain’t Marie Calendar’s… we’re talkin’ left-overs when the money is low and the car ain’t got no gas to get to the store. Only the Republican Party of the 2000-ies could have thrown Pro-Life, Pro-Death (Penalty), Anti-Islam, Pro-Guns at playgrounds, Anti-Education, Pro-Evangelical, Anti-Taxes, Pro-Growth, Pro-Oil Energy, Anti-Green Energy, Anti-Science, Pro-Sugar, Anti-Socialized Medicine, Pro-Medicare, Pro-Me, and Anti-Other all into one political party pie.
What could possibly go wrong?
Since Bush couldn’t quite change the law enough to get a third term (and let’s face it, the man was more than happy to get out of there), America was given the choice between McCain and Obama. We know how that song ends (thanks for the memories Sarah).
The Republican Pie Hits the Oven
No one is quite sure at what temperature to bake a Republican Party in the Time of Obama Pie. Karl was fairly confident, but he decided to hide behind a superPAC, so we can’t know for sure. Bake it too low and the ingredients will fall asleep in their own juices and be useless. Bake it too hot and it will burst into flames in a way that, while dramatic and entertaining as NASCAR, will end the party at the side of the road leaving everyone to hitchhike home.
As with all pie baking, when you’re not certain – set it to 350, keep the light on, and check it often by poking it repeatedly until the agitation eventually just starts to bubble over. (Yeah… I made that up. Never baked a pie. How un-American, I’m sure.)
Halfway through the estimated baking time the Republican Party Pie was looking pretty darn good. They basically swept the 2010 midterm election and brought in a whole slew of newbies who are fantastic at behaving like ill-educated morons who don’t know their arse from their oblongata when it comes to running a country (or in some cases their living arrangements). But they won, and that’s all that mattered.
One problem with using too many ingredients in a pie… it’s very, very difficult to get all the flavors to compliment one another. Each flavor fights for taste bud attention. Brawls break out in your mouth, and it’s nothing like a Juicy Fruit commercial. Usually all those flavors end up being so contradictory in purpose that they end up overloading your taste buds resulting in a bit of up-chuck in the back of your throat. And that’s on a good day.
The other problem with the Republican Party during the Obama Presidency Pie is that the bakers, the growers, and the candlestick makers all have taken great, great, great pride in their piece of the pie – and they are convinced sure as the sun will rise that Obama wants to take away that pie.
That’s where it gets ugly. Children have a fascinating trait that stems from possessiveness resulting from when they first begin to understand the meaning of ownership and “mine.” Basically: if I can’t have my entire pie, then NO ONE can have my pie, and against all reason they throw the damn thing into the sandbox (and some even piss on it for good measure).
Too many ingredients, too many bakers, too much angst overheating the oven because of trite things like 10 year long wars and invading countries on false pretenses.
Mitt Romney’s Swan Song Throws the Republican Pie Into the Garbage.
Had this been the first attempt by Mitt trying to be president of the United States… had his father not been a well-liked and well-respected Governor, which set a high bench mark for his son… then just maybe Mitt Romney being the Republican Party nominee for president in the 2012 election would not have been the final pinch of yeast that caused the pie to explode in the oven. But alas: Mitt is trying to prove something, and as such he has inadvertently put all the real ingredients of the Republican Party Pie on the table…
… and the country is getting that hot, up-chuck feeling in the back of its throat.
It’s not his fault, really… Mitt’s a salesman. He’s a deal closer. He’s a man who grew up never wanting for anything. He’s a man who, when you look into his eyes whenever his father is mentioned… it looks like it stings him a little bit. Put all those things together and what you get a man who will say anything – ANYTHING – to become President of the United States.
Wanting the Presidency and being willing to appease anyone and everyone to get it, in my opinion, forfeits your right to become the President. Sure, a President has to be a politician, but they cannot be a spineless sell-out trying to prove something to the ghost of his father. Contrary to what Mitt and Ann think, NO ONE deserves the Presidency.
When you’re willing to do anything for a job you will say anything for a job, and as such, Mitt Romney has made the base of the Republican Party Pie very, very nervous. Too many of its parts being revealed. Mitt’s vagueness causes more questions to be asked, and as we all know the Republican Party hates questions (and education). Many have lashed out like possessive children who feel that they are the ones who own the party (and the country). In doing so, their ingredients have been revealed, and THAT’S the problem.
There’s nothing wrong with being a pro-gun, Evangelical or nothing party… but that’s not who the country is as majority, so once those cards were revealed the country started to recoil. The only reason Obama isn’t far, far ahead right now is because of all the hate that has been baked in the oven of the Republican messaging machine. People on national television, to this day, calling their President a socialist and “not like us” even though they cannot say a single think to support that assertion when asked; all they do is repeat it like a parrot. It’s sad and amazing, but most of all: that sort of behavior is what one can safely call Anti-American.
In fairy tales, we are often surprised by the character who eventually reveals the moral of the story, or unveils the villain in the study with the golden candlestick… in this story it was Mitt Romney. Running around like Puck in his desperate attempt to please while simultaneously believing that he is far superior than all those around him… Mitt Romney turned up the heat and exploded the pie so that all of America can see its ingredients. Karl’s secret recipes revealed.
Well done, Mitt. Even if you do win this darn election because of all the hate that has been mongered since 2008, the Republican Party Pie has been revealed and it will be forced to change… just like you’ve changed since winning the primary… makes me think you realize it, too.
Bye, bye Republican Pie. It’s time to let the hodge-podge Evangelical-driven manifestation of your Party die. Time to evolve with the times. Join us, the water is fine and the sky isn’t falling.
